How the Bible Led Me to Islam [Joshua Evans]

Freelancing – Lessons Learned

1. Don’t work for people you suspect to be cunning or untrustworthy.
2. Keep written records of all communication. Use e-mail or signed documents. Never allow the client to contact you by phone or SMS. If a phone call is needed, record the conversation or use Skype and record it on a computer.
3. Don’t start work until a CLEAR agreement is arrived at.
4. Extract all requirements carefully. Think it through. Decide on formats, presentation style, content, structure and include all this in the contract. Attach samples if possible. Do everything possible to avoid scope creep. Set milestones accordingly.
5. Don’t bend to pressure to sign any documents in a hurry without being given a chance to think the project through.
6. If you feel that the client is taking you for granted or does not value your service, then don’t go through with the job. It’s not worth your time and emotional energy.
7. If any advance payment is required, be strict about it and don’t start work until the payment comes through.
8. Don’t settle for less than your worth. If the client values your service, they should be willing to pay for it. Business is business.

From My Sisters’ Lips, By Naima B. Robert – Book Notes

Published in 2005.

Excerpts from the Book

Egypt was hot and noisy and it bustled in shades of sand and sunlight.  Of course, we explored the pyramids, museums and markets as all tourists do. But I also remember being very aware of women in headscarves, in hijab, wherever we went and, quite frankly, I was appalled. All my budding feminine instincts raged against the whole idea of a woman covering herself – I thought it a symbol of female oppression, of male dominance. But most of all, I thought it made them look terribly ugly. Usually, when we see things that are foreign to us, we base our opinions on our own experiences and knowledge. It is rare for us to actually step outside our own perceptions and try to understand what we see through the eyes of those living it. [Page 6]

Madame, upon seeing that I intended to wear one of my bousbous as usual, made a tremendous fuss and insisted that I change into something younger, smarter and less voluminous. Stupidly, I gave into her. I then spent one of the most uncomfortable evenings of my life: ignored by the men as they talked football, I was obviously the arm candy and not there for conversation. It is so strange to me that women are often expected to accept this role. They must be with a man to be looked at, admired and flattered but not to speak or to express any kind of intelligent thought. Strange too how the man gets his kicks from his friends admiring ‘his woman’, envying him and secretly coveting her. It makes him feel like a man, macho, as if her good looks validate him and his good taste. I was never comfortable with that, although like many impressionable young women who are seeking approval, it was often par for the course when I was growing up. On that warm evening in Conakry, I felt humiliated and was furious with myself for capitulating, for not standing by what I believed in. [Page 21]

My days of being a man’s trophy were over. [Page 22]

But sure I’m an aberration. After all, aren’t most women who ‘turn to Islam’ easily influenced, brainwashed, no-hopers who need something to believe in to up for their own deprived existence? Or else they do it for a man, to keep him and, hopefully, bear his children. Surely the world is not full of beautiful, intelligent women, successful in their chosen careers, with active social lives, who willingly leave all that and embrace Islam? It will come as a surprise to many to discover that the new breed of Muslim women do not fit neatly into any pigeon holes – their stories are far more varied and interesting that the stereotypes. [Page 27]

The one thing that binds the women quoted in this book is that they are all products of this society. They were born into it, they were schooled in its ways, they imbibed its beliefs, they lived up to its expectations. There was a time, not long ago, when the only ‘veiled’ Muslim women one would see were the Arab women in Oxford Street and Edgware Road. However, one glance at the sisters in this book will show that the face ‘behind the veil’ in contemporary London is no longer necessarily Middle Eastern. Since becoming Muslim, I have met English, Welsh and Scottish reverts, as well as Black sisters from Africa, the Caribbean and the Americas, sisters from the Far East – China, Malaysia and Taiwan, I have even met Muslim reverts from as far afield as New Zealand – yes, a real Kiwi – and Australia. The Muslim woman is no longer necessarily from a different culture, although the idea that she is makes it easy to generalize and stigmatize: ‘Well, she’s not like us, is she?’

The truth is that this woman could be your next-door neighbour, the girl you daughter went to school with, the woman your son had hoped to marry. She could have been brought up in a terrace house or a penthouse apartment with a view. She could speak with a cut-glass accent or in the best Cockney rhyming slang. She could put the ‘ruffest ragamuffin’ to shame with her Patois or speak French, Spanish and Italian – with no trace of an accent. She could cook the best steak and kidney pie you’ve ever tasted – and you’d never know it was halal! These are fish ‘n’ chips, rice an’ peas. spag bol and coleslaw women. They are Jalof rice, paella, fried plantain, spring rolls and wonton soup women – not ‘those people who eat curry all day’. With so many women living in the West embracing Islam, from every sector of society, the old prejudices just won’t wash. [Page 28-29]

However, it is not only Western non-Muslims that ‘find’ Islam. Although most born Muslims grow up with some form of Islam in their lives, it is very common in this day and age to find girls and boys with Muslim names who are as ‘Western’ as Peter and Jane. The name ‘Allah’ is new to them, the Islamic beliefs and practices completely alien. There are parents who make a conscious decision to bring up their children without Islam for a variety of reasons….

…Sara grew up in a home devoid of any Islamic influences whatsoever…

…Indeed, Sara’s only encounters with Islam were through friends at school and, although she acknowledged their shared identity, she had absolutely no idea of what that identity entailed.

‘I remember that I had a Pakistani friend who was looking for a gift for her brother and she found this ring with “Allah” on it.

‘ “What does that mean?” I asked her.

‘ “Well, that’s the name of God,” she told me. “That’s what we believe as Muslims.”

‘I was like, “Ah right . . .”

‘I was completely disconnected from my Muslim identity. I had never seen a Muslim praying in my life – for me, praying was putting two palms together in front of me!’ [Page 29-30]

Stories of Western women accepting Islam are compelling because they go against many people’s preconceptions: that the Western way of life and belief systems are far superior to anything that Islam, or any other belief system, has to offer. Secretly, they wonder what on earth would make a woman swap her Western ‘freedoms’ for, as they see it, a life of submission and restrictions. I believe these stories speak to all of us. These stories are a part of our history, as reverts, as Muslims, as women, as people living in the West – different parts of them will speak to each one of us.

As I read through the few stories I have collected, I am reminded of their value: they show the universal appeal of Islam. The sheer diversity of the backgrounds and life experiences that characterize the sisters in this book show that Islam can speak to anyone. The sisters do not fit comfortable into any stereotype, any mould. They each have their own unique personality, their own voice. They were arch feminists, African nationalists, underground anarchists, music moguls, rock rebels, disco queens, devoted church-goers, designers, atheletes, models, singers, career girls, Masters students, cultural Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, atheists, from every social background and of all ages.

And, most unexpectedly, Islam was able to reach out to each of them, to settle in their hearts and speak to every one of them in a personal way, giving them answers they were looking for and changing their lives for ever. [Page 54-55]

Another pleasure was learning Arabic, which, for many, was their first serious attempt at learning a foreign language. As the language in which the Qur’an was revealed and the language in which Islamic scholarship has traditionally been carried out, Arabic is central to the Muslim heritage. Many reverts and returnees are eager to learn it so they can interact with Islamic texts for themselves, without the need for clumsy translations that try, in vain, to convey the essence of the original. [Page 72]

For centuries, in every time and every place, mankind has asked questions about the meaning of life. And, in our society of instant gratification and material ease, even when all one’s dreams have come true and all one’s wishes have been granted, there is always that gnawing feeling, that nagging, question – is this all there is? It is as if the need of the human soul is so deep that no amount of good times and enjoyment will ever fill it completely. So, sometimes, the man or woman who ‘has everything’ cries alone at night in despair or seeks comfort in a pill, in a bottle or a fine white powder, anything to quench that insatiable thirst for something meaningful, something real…

…But we had found something that gave meaning to every waking moment, something that made our lives purposeful and focused. Some of us were pleased to have left that slavish following of society’s whims. [Page 79]

‘It was hard because most of my friends where guys,’ Yasmin told me. ‘After a while I started to pull away from them and they were still trying to hold on and that was hard with the ones I was really close to. With the girlfriends, I was glad to get rid of them!’ [Page 94-95]

Another aspect of starting to wear hijab is how people look at you differently. By this I don’t just mean men – that is completely understandable. In fact, one of the best things about wearing hijab is the sense of relief at not being viewed as a sexual object. But aside from that, there are some people who assume that you are some sort of alien without a voice or a mind of your own. And the most pervading belief of all, particularly when people have known you before Islam, is that you are somehow less than the person you once were. [Page 99]

So, my secretary friend could bemoan the death of the free-spirited girl she knew without ever having to think about the insecurity, the vanity, the arrogance and the turmoil that were also part of that girl. This superficial, misguided view is most acutely exposed by society’s obsession with celebrity. No matter how self-obsessed, egotistical, vain, greedy, vapid and shallow an individual ‘celeb’ may be, no matter that most of what are shown is nothing more than clever PR and fake images of perfection peddled to enhance their celebrity status. As long as they look beautiful and smile for the cameras all is well and the audience is satisfied. And we waste our time, fantasizing, reading about every outfit, award and extravagant gift that these ‘beautiful people’ exchange, while sniggering about their bad hair days, the divorces, the drug overdoses and all the other sordid evidence that shows us that ‘they are only human after all’. They may be a waste of space, but at least they beautify that space! And on this scale, the Muslim cannot compete: no matter how intelligent, talented, kind, generous, or honest she is, she doesn’t ‘look the part’ and that is something she will not be forgiven for. [Page 100]

I remember finding the whole idea of the ghayb, the unseen, particularly difficult to accept, and, for a long time, I just didn’t think about Heaven or Hell, angels or jinn. It was a leap of faith that was too far for me at that time. Not having grown up within a religious context, I found the idea of being accountable for one’s actions and having to answer to God quite daunting. It was only as my knowledge of the intellectual and scientific proofs for the Qur’an and the Sunnah grew that I was able to trust, on reasoned faith, that the unseen world of spirits and angels was a reality. As a scholar from the past put it, the Qur’an presents mankind with rational proofs of its truth and authenticity and, based on these proofs, the reader can then accept those things that cannot be proven. That was how it was for me. [Page 104]

And something that has continually surprised and touched me is the unshakeable conviction of every one of the sisters I spoke to that the pain, tears and heartache have all been worth it – not one of them would take back their shahadah if ever they had their time again. They are prepared to go through all the trials and tribulations to achieve their goal: to hold on to their deen, to hold it close to their hearts, for its beauty to permeate their lives, their bodies and their souls and so gain the pleasure of their Lord and His Love and to, one day, see the beauty of His Face. [Page 105-106]

So on that day, I took my first tentative steps towards covering. And I admit it was miserable. No one was looking at me, there was no flirtation, nothing – I felt completely invisible. That lasted for about half a day. Then something inside me just clicked. I thought, Good, don’t look, don’t compare me with your latest squeeze, don’t try and guess my measurements – my body is my own business. [Page 111]

At one point, during the sermon, the khutbah, I looked around me and was struck by the beauty of the sisters around me. At that moment it seemed to me so natural that we should want to cover that beauty, to protect it, to keep it private. Some people are appalled when they see beautiful women covering themselves – but I wasn’t. Instead, I felt proud to be covering like them. [Page 121]

But then, there comes a time when the charm begins to wear off – the constant preening and maintenance becomes tedious, the rush to acquire the latest Manolo Blahniks or dress from Ghost seems empty and futile, the seasonal shift towards and away from the hourglass figure and heroin chic begins to sour and appear as it really is: shallow and meaningless. And you begin to wonder, Am I not more than the sum of my parts? What will be the consequences if I drop out of this race? What about when my body starts to change – from age, illness or pregnancy? It is from these and other concerns that covering, with the hijab and everything else, liberates the Muslim woman. [Page 123-124]

‘My hijab is detached from my body – it doesn’t feel like it affects my personality in any way because I will do anything I want to do, I go anywhere I want. I will go out with a group of non-Muslim friends who are all wearing jeans and trainers and I’m not fazed at all.’ Hajar

I often feel that, as a covered Muslim woman, I have so many attitudes to confront, so many false images to dispel. I know that people are surprised when they hear me speak English or French, when I express an opinion, when I talk in a friendly way to their child, that I drive a road-hogging car, that I’m university-educated, that I work, that I love to travel – that I don’t fit into the common stereotypes that they hold of women like me. I often feel under pressure not to make a mistake – in my car, with change in a shop, with disciplining my child – lest people attribute it to the fact that I’m covered and therefore incapable. And these are things that I have often heard sisters talk about. But when I make the effort to talk to a stranger, risking a rebuttal, and we exchange pleasantries, I leave that encounter feeling buoyed, feeling that I have connected with another human being and, just maybe, given her something to think about. Perhaps I have even made a small dent in that wall of prejudice and suspicion? And so I make a point of walking tall, speaking confidently and smiling with my eyes – anything to project an image beyond what they see of me, demanding that they relate to me and not to my niqab.

Sometimes, however, people surprise me with their lack of perceptions. I will not forget seeing a young female doctor when I had fractured my toe. She asked me how I had injured it and I told her that I was doing kickboxing and had hurt my toe while practising on my husband. She just smiled. And I pictured the scene from her angle: this bouncy woman in black, sitting cross-legged on the high hospital bed, chatting about kickboxing. After mulling the scene over in my head, I asked her, ‘Do you find it strange to hear that from a woman dressed like me?’

She smiled knowingly and shook her head, saying, ‘In this job, you learn not to assume anything about people.’ [Page 129-130]

It is strange that no one ever pities vegetarians when they can’t indulge in pepper steak, or vegans when they can’t have an ice-cream, or organic food consumers when they have to pay more for their food. They are respected for standing by their principles. Everyone assumes that they made a rational choice and they are largely admired for that…

…But although the practising Muslim woman who has chosen to dress and live the way she does suffers some degree of inconvenience  due to her principles, she is never given the same respect. It is assumed that there was no rationale behind it. Sometimes, what she does is hard – but she doesn’t give up. She is strong against the opposition, patient with the trials, striving constantly. There are only degrees of difference between her and an eco-warrior – I only wish that people would give her some credit for knowing her own mind…

…’I think the belief and faith behind it is stronger than those little problems that you come across. Everything has got its difficulties and the thing with the jilbab and niqab is, it’s not something you think about every morning – it’s part of you. It’s like second nature – the thought of taking it off or lifting it up becomes strange.’ Rabia [Page 131]

Almost every sister who wears a niqab has a similar story to tell. However, after several incidents, one becomes desensitized to the insults and sometimes barbaric cruelty of some of the perpetrators who, unfortunately, are often youngsters. Like most people, they fear what they do not know. [Page 132]

However, many people cannot get their head around the fact that we cover on the outside and look good on the inside. It is not uncommon for a sister to find herself the object of incredulous scrutiny over the halter-neck top, hipster trousers or pretty underwear she’s buying…

…’I think people feel that Muslim women don’t wear fashionable clothes, that they don’t like to do their hair, wear make-up. Sometimes, you go into a shop and they’re looking at what you’re picking up to buy as though, “Hold on a minute, what’s she doing with that? Why’s she picking up that skirt, that top?” It can be quite annoying sometimes.’ Umm Muhammad [Page 141]

For those of us who have chosen to live according to the laws of Allah, revert and born Muslims, the hijab means many things to us: it is our covering, our reminder, our comforter, our shield, our liberator, a symbol of our servitude to our Lord. It is not an unwelcome burden, it is not an aberration, it is not a symbol of our oppression: it is a fundamental part of our identity as Muslim women. And those who would work so hard to ‘free us’ from it would do well to listen to the voices of those they seek to liberate – for one woman’s liberation, however well intentioned, could well be another woman’s incarceration. [Page 143]

Because physical intimacy is something that is freely available in our society – through pre-marital and casual relationships, cohabitation and one-night stands – many people today believe that the benefits of marriage are few compared with the responsibilities it entails. Not so for the Muslim. In many ways, getting married represents a kind of freedom for us. Within marriage, so many things that were once forbidden become lawful, encouraged. As a young man and woman, you can now interact with each other, freely and without limits, you can let down your guard, remove your hijab, laugh and cry, go out or stay home. In short, you can now share everything with one special person. What’s more, the ‘pleasures of the flesh’ are yours for the taking. Indeed, one of the express aims of an Islamic marriage is to allow the followers of the faith to satisfy their desires in a way and in an arena that is lawful (halal) and actually brings rewards, in this life in the form of pleasure and offspring and in the next in the form of rewards from Allah.

Marriage is thus designed to protect the individual from the unlawful and from the various ills that result from either frustrated sexual desire or sexual promiscuity. [Page 146]

‘I was looking for someone with good deen who liked to learn, go to classes – someone who would establish an Islamic household. A household where deen would be at the forefront, where Islam would be practised and not just spoken about, not just on a Friday. Islam is a way of life and that, was what I wanted: an Islamic way of life. I wanted to live Islam.’ Umm Muhammad [Page 147]

Previously, I had seen myself as a career woman first, having children but employing a nanny or maid to look after them, enabling me to pursue my career. But Islam made me look at my future role as a wife and mother differently. I decided that I would want to bring up my children myself. I knew, as do many working mothers, that the demands of raising children, running a home and having a career would spread me very thinly. I didn’t want to have to juggle multiple roles and responsibilities. And I didn’t want to miss out on those precious moments bonding with my baby, seeing those first steps, hearing his first words, shaping his character. When the time came, I wanted to truly throw myself into motherhood and for my child to have the stability of a constant maternal presence at home. I felt, as Islam teaches, that all that would be far more valuable than any extra money I would be bringing in from a job outside the home. So the traditional Islamic set-up of husband going out to work and wife looking after the children at home appealed to me, so long as I would be able to maintain some sort of outside interest, and perhaps earn a little money on the side. [Page 149]

But there was a part of me, the wayward part no doubt, that felt compromised and ‘resigned’ to marrying that ‘good Muslim’. I would say to myself, What do you think comes with all that worship and piety? Sure, you’ll get a man who is good and kind, a man who prays and fasts but, face it he’s going to be dead boring.

I don’t know where that idea came from, but I had this image of a practising Muslim man as staid and old-fashioned with no sense of humour. Would he be constantly telling me to fear Allah, to stop laughing, that this or that thing was haram – forbidden? Somehow, I didn’t think the kind of fun, frolics and romance that one is taught to expect from a relationship in the West had a place in an Islamic marriage.

And worse still, there was a darker side to my expectations. A part of me was afraid, very afraid, that I would have the kind of Muslim husband one hears about in all the horror stories. I was afraid that he would turn out to be a monster, keeping me locked in the house, forbidding me from seeing my friends and family, crushing me into being the kind of wife, the kind of woman he thought I should be. I was afraid of being trapped in a marriage that offered me security, stability and protection with one hand and robbed me of my individuality, personality and freedom to grow with the other. [Page 150]

So I wanted to discuss the issue of ‘looking to get married’ with someone who had that Islamic family set-up around her – my friend, Rabia.

She told me, ‘I have the bonus of my family. I know that the brother will be completely checked out, he will have to fulfil certain conditions, he will have to prove himself as a responsible man. I never worry about that side of things because I know my dad will take care of it. For me, I just need to discuss deen, his personality, what his plans are for the future, and things like that. I feel very fortunate that I have that family support and also that I am less approachable for brothers, less vulnerable. Some of them wouldn’t even get past my dad!’…

…Unlike the ‘arranged marriages’ of some cultures, my union was not planned while I was in the womb or to a cousin ‘back home’. And unlike the public’s perception, my ‘arranged marriage’  was neither forced on me nor conducted without my involvement. I saw my husband-to-be and he saw me, albeit while wearing my hijab. We discussed various issues and developed a liking for each other and a desire to marry.

Indeed, the main difference between a culturally arranged marriage and an Islamic one is the element of choice. Historically, throughout the world, children were betrothed to each other, sometimes from birth, and would often only meet each other on the wedding night, after the ceremonies had taken place. Marriages were contracted in order to secure thrones, join powerful families, strengthen lineages, improve family ties, and dowries were paid to the families. In all of this, the young people involved were expected to submit to their families’ decisions, mere pawns in a larger game. Even today, in Asian and other families, arranged marriages are often akin to forced marriages, with family and societal pressures ensuring that the children accept their parents’ choice of partner without question.

The correct Islamic version of the ‘arranged marriage’ is quite different. According to the sunnah of the Prophet (s), a marriage that does not have the consent of the man and the woman is not considered valid. And no one is authorized to contract a marriage on behalf of their child. In addition, the couple have to meet and see whether they like each other. The mahr (dowry) is a gift that the man gives his bride-to-be as part of the marriage. Unlike in many other cultures, this gift belongs to her and not to her family.

Therefore, the true Islamic ‘arranged marriage’ is halfway between the restrictive manipulative forced marriage and the free-mixing, dating, cohabiting world.

I have always thought that there are many advantages to looking for a husband the Islamic way. Anyone who has spent years building a relationship, only for the man to turn around and say that he’s ‘not ready for a commitment’ will appreciate the beautiful simplicity of a man who talks straight: if he’s ready to get  married, he approaches you, if he isn’t, he stays away. [Page 154-155]

Be honest. Tell the truth about what you have to offer and what you expect from your husband. Encourage him to be honest with you about his expectations – never assume that he will want to travel the world and stay in expensive hotels every weekend – or that he won’t. Muslim men are not all the same and neither are Muslim women. If you are the kind of woman who will want to stay at home full-time, make that clear. If you expect to work or continue your studies, make that clear also. If you marry under false pretences, this will cause a lot of friction. The last thing you want is to marry someone who is expecting to marry Mrs Cleaver, housewife par excellence, and finding that she is really Martha Stewart, business tycoon extraordinaire!

Don’t sell yourself short. Be realistic about your contract and your mahr (dowry). If there are conditions that you want in your contract that are in accordance with Islamic law, do not feel shy about including them. Don’t demand an impossible mahr, as the Prophet (s) has advised  against this. On the other hand, don’t undervalue yourself. The dowry is a right that you have and no one should limit that. It doesn’t hurt for the man to sweat a little in order to win you – just don’t go asking for the riches of Arabia if your sweetheart-to-be drives a bus! [Page 157-158]

Although it may share similar characteristics such as tenderness, romance and intimacy, Islamic love is different from love in jahiliyya, the ‘time of ignorance’ before Islam. In essence, Islamic love is based on loving for Allah’s sake and that means loving what Allah loves about a person: their iman, their submission; their taqwa, their Islamic manners; good character and strong deen. These aspects of a person take precedence over other more material or worldly attributes. [Page 160]

Loving for the sake of Allah is superior in many ways to loving for other, more selfish reasons. Firstly, loving for Allah’s sake does not fluctuate according to your own whims and desires – it is constant, as long as the other person is also striving to please Allah. Secondly, that love is the kind of love that will compel a person to give their partner their rights, even if they don’t particularly feel like it.

As Allah says:

Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good. Surah An-Nisa;19.

…If he fears Allah, if he worships Allah in the way that he is supposed to, he’s going to treat you well, knowing that you are Allah’s slave and he’s Allah’s slave. Allah is going to ask him about how he treated you and how you were a wife to him, so it all goes back to Allah.’ Ghaniya…

Most people believe that love grows from shared interests, spending time together and physical intimacy. While these things can serve to increase love, as Muslims, we believe that love is like a seed that Allah al-Wadood (The Loving) plants in the heard. So, it is Allah that brings the hearts together and puts love there…

…My Nikah

After much to-ing and fro-ing about the date – first Ramadhan, then September, then August, then April, then finally February – I awoke on the morning of my nikah – my wedding day – bubbling with excitement. My dear flatmate Hayat had prepared a special breakfast for me – cereal with fresh strawberries and orange juice in a delicate fluted glass. I had had a new khaki-coloured abayah made for the day and wore it with a dark aubergine-coloured Chinese silk brocade scarf. However, in comparison with traditional preparations for a Muslim wedding, mine were quite sparse: I had had a henna party the week before and a Sudanese sister had decorated my hands and feet with dark henna patterns. There was no sitting around being perfumed with fragrant incense, bukhoor, for hours on end, there was no steam bath, no sugaring of arms and legs to remove the hairs that grow there, there was no huge family gathering, no great pots of food being cooked, no relatives from all over England and around the world. It was a quiet and simple affair. I married my husband in the basement of an Islamic bookshop, squeezed between the books of Sahih Bukhari on one side and the computer on the other. That was my nikah. [Page 161-163]

Taking care of her husband’s needs is something a woman is rewarded for just as her husband is rewarded for taking care of her. Therefore, there is absolutely no stigma attached to these duties in Islam, particularly if they are performed with the correct intention. [Page 168]

And I also realised how very important it was to have a husband who truly feared Allah, someone who wouldn’t become a mini despot, a tyrant bent on ruling his home with an iron fist. [Page 169]

Oppressor/Oppressed

It would appear that there is something in the image of a bearded man walking with a covered woman that provokes thoughts of repression and submission, of the powerful and the powerless: ‘I bet he made her wear that thing!’ Woe betide the woman if she dares fall behind her husband for any reason: ‘See, he makes her walk behind him, he does, ten paces behind!’ And if she is carrying the shopping and he is holding the child: ‘Treats her like a donkey. doesn’t he?’ And if he is holding the shopping and she is holding the child: ‘Bet she never gets a break – all they do is breed!’ It is as if any action, no matter how insignificant, can be interpreted as confirmation of whatever views the person already holds. It is the story of ‘The Miller and his Donkey’ on a daily basis!

Beyond Rights

The Islamic marriage is so much more than just rights and responsibilities – these are merely its founding principles. Typically, the rights are the first to be put in place, before love, romance and friendship blossom, and the last to go, sometimes long after the love has gone. But beyond the duties and obligations. lies a haven, just like other marriages in other cultures and religions. And although love between Muslims is guided and moulded by the Shari’ah, it is as tender, sweet and passionate as any other, just as our Prophet (s) showed us when he said, ‘The believers who are most complete in faith are those with the best manners and the best among them are those who are best [in treatment] to their women.’

As Ghaniya told me, ‘In terms of this worldly life, my husband is my protector, he’s my best friend, my advisor, my punch bag, my bank! Someone I learn with; when things go wrong, someone I talk to. . . Our husbands are our best friends, and though we like our female friends and we’re happy to do our own thing for part of the day, we find our husbands indispensable. because Allah has blessed us.’…

… ‘All I can say is my husband looks like they just freed him from the Taliban – he looks like an Afghan. through and through! But he is the gentlest, most loving, wonderful person on the face of this earth, masha Allah. I wish everybody could have a husband like him .  . . just don’t take my one!’ Begum…[Page 170-171]

And, when Muhammad (s) was asked who was the most beloved to him, he answered without hesitatin, ‘Aisha.’

Therein lies one of the crucial differences between the two types of wife. The Stepford Wife is programmed to have no individual personality. Nowhere in Islamic literature is it indicated that this is expected of the Muslim wife – the different characters of the wives of the Prophet [sal] and the female companions are testament to the fact.

Also, the Muslim woman is encouraged to study her deen,  to be educated and to know about her rights and the rights of others. And knowing about these rights should give her the confidence to defend them. This is not part of the Stepford Wife’s programming…

…Indeed, the confident, upstanding Muslim man has been encouraged by the Prophet (s) to marry and cherish the strong, righteous woman so that she can help him in the affairs of the Hereafter, learning with him, teaching him, reminding him and helping him to obey Allah. [Page 175]

Islam, the religion, considers sex to be something wonderful, an expression of love and intimacy between two people. It is important here to focus on what Islam says, not on what Muslims do. So whether some Muslims feel ashamed of sex is neither here nor there – what is important is the kind of attitude that the deen encourages Muslims to have.

According to the hadith literature, sex can be an act of worship if performed with the right intention. It is something healthy and beneficial, resulting in physical pleasure and procreation, adding to the numbers of the Muslims. It is something that human beings desire and there is no shame in that desire. It is, after all, the way Allah created us. We are thus encouraged to fulfil that desire within the limits set by Allah. This means that sexual pleasure is to be enjoyed within the context of marriage…

…Both the man and the woman have the right to sexual pleasure and are encouraged to have a loving relationship: the woman is strongly advised not to constantly  resort to the old ‘I’ve got a headache’ routine and to be as compliant as possible when her husband approaches her. This makes a lot of sense when one considers the negative effect of sexually frustrated men on the loose in the wider society. The husband, in turn, is advised to practise foreplay, to make sure that his wife is satisfied and is not allowed to practise coitus interruptus (withdrawal) without her consent, for fear that her pleasure will be compromised – sexually frustrated women being no less dangerous to the wider society!…

…After about two months of marriage, I considered asking my husband to take another wife. Now it was not that I didn’t love my husband – quite the opposite. [Page 177-178]

However, it would come as a surprise to many Westerners to discover that polygamy is not a solely ‘Islamic institution’. Not only have men in most world cultures been allowed and encouraged to take more than one wife, but polygamy was known historically amongst the Jews and Christians, and was practised by prophets and followers alike. Even today, in many societies and, if we are honest, even in our own, ‘unofficial polygamy’ is widespread…

…Islamic law, the Shari’ah, recognizes this aspect of the male nature and, instead of pretending that it doesn’t exist, creates a framework that forces the man to take responsibility for his sexual urges. For when Allah asserted women’s rights within marriage in the Qur’an, they were not just for the first wife, but for every wife.  [Page 179]

A cursory glance at the status of the mistress and her children in our society will show that there is a big difference between an extra-marital affair and a second marriage. While the second wife is considered equal to the first in every way, the majority of mistresses and their children are never acknowledged. It is these children who are viewed as illegitimate, who never get to have their dad at their school play or sports day. They have no rights, he is not responsible for them – they are the ‘dirty secrets’…

…This sunnah highlights an aspect of polygamy that few are aware of: that it ensures that widows, divorcees and older women are all able to find love and security in a marriage, while having time to take care of their other responsibilities.

It has often occurred to me that the polygamous system is one that is ideally suited to a certain type of woman: the woman who is busy with her studies or career, whose friends and family play a big part in her life, the woman with children from a previous relationship, the older woman who just doesn’t want a man around all the time because she enjoys her own company….

‘I’m glad I am not a single wife. I have always been a very independent person – I like my own space and, this way, I have space for myself and when my husband comes back, he appreciates me, he’s glad to see me.’ Aziza…

…My co-wife and I are really close. We’re there for each other – if she wants to go out, our husband and I will have the children. We want fairness for each other.’ Aziza… [Page 180-181]

Polygamy is not obligatory, it is an option, a choice. No one can be forced to enter a polygamous marriage or to stay in one. And for many women, if given the choice between having the honoured status of a wife or the potential humiliation of being the mistress, the co-wife role wins hands down. [Page 182]

The Sunnah is replete with advice on how to deal with hardships and tests – mechanisms that will stop the individual from losing patience with their situation…The Muslim couple must have patience with each other and with the challenges that they face. Having patience means staying within the bounds of Allah’s laws and not transgressing them in desperation, doing forbidden things out of anger or a need for revenge.

The Prophet (s) advised the Muslim men thus: ‘Let not a believing man hate a believing woman; if her dislikes a characteristic in her, he would be pleased by other characteristics.’ Obviously, the same applies to the Muslim woman. We are thus advised to overlook and cover each other’s faults and make excuses for each other.

As Muslims, men and women, we are also encouraged to look at ourselves first when confronted with a trial, to see what we might have done to bring it on, either in terms of how we have behaved towards the other person or how we may have been negligent with regards to our deen and our relationship with Allah.

As Allah says:

Allah will never change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.

Surah al-Israh 17:31

…Indeed, the Shari’ah gives the best advice on dealing with marital problems and that is for the husband and wife to return to their Lord. Often, such difficulties, and the way we respond to them, are a direct result of lack of iman, of weakened faith. By increasing in dhikr (remembrance of Allah), in dua (supplications and prayers), in good deeds and seeking forgiveness, we grow close to Allah. And when we re-focus on Allah rather than that person, we either find that Allah makes that person change, or we change or the situation itself fades in significance. [Page 183-184]

The sisters I spoke to about this all agreed that it isn’t necessarily love that will make couples treat each other fairly, it is the deen – obeying the command of Allah. Therefore a marriage with love and no deen is a risky one – how will the husband behave if he falls out of love, or if he falls in love with someone else? There are no boundaries, no rules, no minimum requirements, nothing that he has to fulfil even if he is not in love with his wife. The same applies to the woman – the deen is what will make her treat her husband well, even if she no longer loves him…

… ‘For me, it’s not love but the deen that conquers everything. Yes, every man and woman wants to love and be loved but I can’t live with love and no deen. It wouldn’t be nice to love with deen and no love but that would probably be easier. At least if a man has deen, he will love for the sake of Allah, he will respect and honour you and give you your rights at least.’ Umm Muhammad…

…’You need both love and deen because the deen is the structure. I think that that is the downfall of many a marriage today – that lack of structure. The husband wants to be the wife and the wife wants to be the husband and then eventually, no one wants to be either! Nobody really knows what their roles are – it is so much easier when you know what your roles is and what his role is. We might need to come away from the structure from time to time, but we will always refer back to it and return to it eventually.’ [Page 186]

I heard stories of men who made their wives’ lives miserable, treating them terribly and even withholding some of their basic rights – and yet claiming to love them desperately, refusing to let them go, afraid of losing them. I saw women selling themselves short, accepting less than they deserved, harming themselves for the sake of husbands who claimed to love them…

…And where I found loving Muslim couples, I saw that, when they encountered problems, it wasn’t ‘love’ they turned to it, it was to the deen, to their faith. It was to the night prayer, to the supplication, to ask forgiveness, to purifying the soul, to increasing in good deeds. And all this opened the doors of communication and forgiveness, which, slowly but surely, led the way back to the love that they had once shared. Only this time time it was deeper, richer and more firmly grounded. Because Allah had brought their hearts back together. [Page 187]

A couple should strive in their deen together – study the deen, memorize the Qur’an, learn du’as, remind each other about Allah, correct each other, encourage each other in good – as Allah will bless all of this and bring them closer as a result…

…Also, the deen is a safeguard against ill-treatment, as the spouses are not responsible to each other but are ultimately answerable to Allah. [Page 196]

In fact, using English words to describe certain Islamic concepts is a very dicey business. There are so many words that we use regularly in Islamic parlance that have negative or perjorative connotations in the modern Western context, among them, ‘submission’, ‘obedience’, ‘righteousness’ and ‘piety’. [Page 230]

In Sara’s words: ‘Submission is about finding peace with Allah, finding peace within yourself and being able to be honest with Allah…’ [Page 231]

As there are no men in our social gatherings, we do not feel self-conscious: there is no one sizing us up, comparing us, judging us. We therefore do not see each other as rivals or compete with each other – there is nothing to compete for.

We never worry about our husbands being attracted to our friends for they do not spend time with them and will probably never have seen them uncovered.

Incidentally, many mistake the Muslim woman’s reserve in front of men as timidity. Although this isn’t necessarily the case, as a rule, we do not behave in a familiar, informal way with men. We don’t crack jokes with them, we don’t make casual conversation with them and we certainly don’t flirt with them. We save the fullness of our personalities – our humour, our brashness, our teasing, our sensitivity, our tenderness, our singing and dancing – for those closest to us: our families and other women. That is where you will see sister’s true character, somewhere where no harm is done and no misunderstandings can occur. As women, we learn together, party together, work out together and have fun together – in an environment completely free of unease and potential problems – fitnah. We are free to be ourselves and to trust each other, now that male energy is no longer part of our social sphere. [Page 258]

This book is a celebration of my wonderful sisters. They were its inspiration and they were part of its creation. Through their strength and spirit, I have experienced a life that even I never thought possible: a life with sisters that I love and trust around me. It is a good life. It is a noble life. It is the life that I love. Islamic sisterhood is special. It transcends colour, it transcends class, it transcends all manner of worldly things. It is close, it is warm, it is tender and strong. It is unlike any other because it is based on the most solid of foundations: the love of Allah. [Page 268]

Click, By Ori Brafman and Rom Brafman – Book Notes

(The Magic of Instant Connections)

As the subtitle aptly conveys, this book explores the factors that draw people to each other and help them work together productively, bringing out the best in themselves and in the person they “clicked” with. To put it in the authors’ own words, “We’ll look at the specific factors that turn ordinary moments of emotional connection into magical ones.” [Page 14]

The book reveals that there is no particular characteristic that triggers the connection every time. Rather, the connection can be attributed to one or more click accelerators. To prove this, the authors provide examples from social situation and studies which help us understand this quick-set intimacy better. In fact, the book is packed with examples and that’s what kept the pages turning for me. One such example is the story of the two Kelly Hildebrandts who met via Facebook, fell in love and got married.

Summary

Quotes

The first accelerator, vulnerability, is perhaps the most counterintuitive of the five. Most of us think that when we make ourselves vulnerable we are putting ourselves in a susceptible, exposed or subservient position. By revealing their inner fears and weaknesses, many feel they allow others to gain power or influence over them. But in terms of creating an instant connection, vulnerability and self-disclosure are, in fact, strengths. They accelerate our ability to connect with those around us.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you are putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or physical risk. Other people tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves. The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection. When you both make yourselves vulnerable from the outset and are candid in revealing who you are and how you think and feel, you create and environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection – a click. [Page 32]

Without such spontaneous interactions, it’s harder to form relationships with others. There is no social glue to help bring you together. And without that social glue, conflict is more likely to arise when one person misinterprets another’s actions or behaviors. [Page 71]

Their casual conversations – or spontaneous communication – “was associated with a stronger shared identity and more shared context.” In other words, they had developed closer personal relationships with other members of the team, which led to more cooperation and less friction. [Page 72]

We’re familiar with the phrase being in the zone from basketball and other sports, where it refers to when a player is on top of his or her game and just can’t seem to miss. But being in the zone can occur at any moment in our lives – when we’re immersed in a project or playing a piece of music. We’ve all experienced times in our lives when we just felt in sync with everything around us. It occurs when you are having coffee with a friend and are so into the conversation that you barely notice the time flying past. Or you are in the middle of a work project that has been dragging along, but one day you are able to focus in a heightened way and everything just seems to come together. We call this state resonance. It results from an overwhelming sense of connection to our environment that deepens the quality of our interactions. [Page 82]

When we’re around someone who is in a state of resonance, we are more likely to enter that state as well. We are more likely to click. [Page 92]

My favourite chapter is the one on personal elevation (pages 165-183).

Perhaps in response to the intense emotional connection we make, when we click we tend to become our best selves. That doesn’t mean just being nice or charming with this new person in our lives. We also become more open, more creative, more willing to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zone. This may be why so many of us are drawn to quick-set intimacy. Not only do we experience the intensity of the connection, but we experience ourselves in a different, better way. [Page 170]

The teams made up of students who didn’t click had little conflict; instead, they opted to reach and admissions decision that no one was particularly happy with but that at least enabled the group to move on. The teams made up of students who clicked, on the other hand, actually entered into conflict – but a healthy conflict based on the task content, not on each other. “High performance on the [admissions] decision-making task,” the researchers found, “was attributed to low levels of emotional and administrative conflict and high level of task content conflict.” That is, the conflict was intellectually spirited and passionate but never became personal.

When we interact with people with whom we’ve formed an instant connection, we tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt. The trust that forms gives us permission to disagree, because we know that our counterpart will support us emotionally, even if we diverge in our opinions. [Page 178-179]

In the work world, this is a crucial point. When assigning project teams, it’s tempting to keep relationships professional and separate business from pleasure. But those individuals who click, who have a natural connection with one another, are more likely to form a productive team. Those teams succeed not just because they get along but because they know how to function when they don’t agree. [Page 179]

Conclusion

Where’s that Smile?

Yes dear, you’re right. I have forgotten how to smile.

I remember smiling so genuinely that my whole face would light up and my eyes would sparkle. It was infectious – inducing everyone around me to give in as well.

I used to feel so light. My heart was like a feather, my body was nimble and agile.

Now the light has gone out of my eyes, the glow on my face has dimmed.

My heart is heavy and my body is dragged around.

The times that I manage to feel happy and positive are the times that I remember my Lord, His miracles, His love and His supreme majesty and power over all things. His magnanimity. His magnificence.

Ya Rabb, the things I feel about you are beyond description. I love you Ya Arham Ar Raahimeen.

So even though the dunya kicks me down, I persevere to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that all hope is not lost. No hope is lost. I’m just weak in my knowledge.

I know that the more I learn, the better things will be – inside and outside.

I’m just waiting for You to lift the veil from my eyes and help me smile again.

Happens for a Reason, Happens for the Best

Taken from SuhaibWebb.com.

There was a bus blocking the right turn lane and its emergency lights were flashing. “I need a quick detour!,” thought the woman driving. She turned into a parking lot to cross through to the adjacent street. As she made the turn, she felt her car heave forward heavily and realized she had not seen the curb. Embarrassed, she continued to the street and felt her car was driving differently. She swung into a side road to check on it.

A flat tire! Subhan’Allah (glory be to God). She immediately thought of the dua`a’ (supplication) that the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) had taught to the ummah (Muslim community) for times of difficulty: “If a servant of Allah is afflicted with a misfortune and says: ‘Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un, Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa akhlif li khairan minha‘ (Verily we belong to Allah and truly to Him shall we return. O Allah! Protect me in this calamity that has befallen me and replace it with something better), Allah will accept his prayer, grant him reward for his affliction, and replace it with something better.”<sup>1</sup> And so she made this dua`a’, knowing full well she had been the one to cause the misfortune to happen in the first place, but hoping that Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) would bless her in some way because of it.

She then sat there, after having called for help, dazed and wondering why this had happened. Why was that bus stopped where it had been stopped? Why was it meant for her to be on this specific road at this specific time, when she usually would never have been in that place, at that time? Why didn’t she wait and go around the bus, instead of turning through a parking lot? She began to contemplate the verse, “And whatever strikes you of disaster—it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much” (Qur’an, 42:30). And finally, perhaps—perhaps—this happened because something better should happen. There had to have been a reason for this situation. But what was the reason? Where was the wisdom?

After some time, her husband came, changed the flat with a spare, and directed her to go to a specific tire company to take advantage of a warranty. This tire company was much further out, in a city which she had never traversed due to its distance and decentralized location. Upon reaching the company and waiting for her tire to be fixed, she realized she needed to praydhuhr (the afternoon prayer) and wondered if there was a masjid nearby. Mapping it, she found one only a few miles away, so as soon as her car was ready, she was headed for the mosque.

There was only one other car parked in the parking lot. Having never been to this masjid before, she searched for an entrance and walked in. There, she found an older man sitting at a table. She greeted him and as he looked up, she asked if he could point out the direction of the prayer area.

He looked at her, almost in a daze. “Aren’t you… Aren’t you that woman who spoke at the conference recently?” She confirmed as he continued, “What brings you here?” He realized she had come to pray and pointed out the direction of the prayer hall. After she had finished her salah (prayer), she headed back towards the entrance to leave. He beckoned her, “Would you mind waiting just a moment?”

He then explained that while she was speaking at the conference, he was listening to her and thinking about the future generation. He was thinking about young adults and the way they need someone to connect with them. He began to think our cultural and age gap as parents sometimes makes it difficult to convey the message of Islam in a way which is culturally relevant to their lives. If only I could somehow come in contact with this woman. Perhaps she could speak to the up-and-coming generation. But Allah—how? How will I come to connect with her? “And now,” he finished, “Here you are.Subhan’Allah.”

At that moment, the woman realized that perhaps the flat tire she had experienced—perhaps the bus with its emergency lights, the miscalculated curb, the need to go to a specific tire company so far away from her own locality—had all taken place so that she could be there, in that place, in that moment of time, where she would be connected to a person who was seeking to call youth back to Allah, subhanahu wa ta`ala.

The woman stared at the man, incredulous at the situation. Subhan’Allah, she thought. Maybe this simple man, a man without a hugely outward “Islamic” appearance, a man who sat humbly in the masjid, was someone near to Allah (swt), dear to Allah (swt)—so much so that Allah (swt) would create a situation where the person this man was seeking to speak with came to his door.

It reminded the woman of the story of Imam Ahmad and the Baker. Imam Ahmad radi Allahu `anhu (may God be pleased with him) once was traveling and needed to stay somewhere overnight. When he went to the masjid, the guard (not recognizing Imam Ahmad) denied him entrance. Imam Ahmad (ra) tried numerous times, but the guard did not accept his requests. Frustrated, Imam Ahmad (ra) resolved to spend the night in the masjid yard. The guard became furious and dragged him away, despite the old age and frailty of Imam Ahmad (ra).

A baker, whose shop was nearby, watched this scene and took pity on Imam Ahmad (ra), also not knowing who he was. The Baker thought of the man who needed a place to stay as a simple traveler without lodging. He invited the Imam to stay with him for the night. While there, Imam Ahmad noticed that the baker continually made istighfar (asking for Allah’s forgiveness) while working, and in the morning, the Imam eagerly asked his host about the latter’s continual seeking of forgiveness. The Baker said it had become second nature to him, and Imam Ahmad (ra) then asked whether the man had experienced any reward from this practice.

The Baker answered, “By Allah! No dua`a’ I made except that it was answered but one.” “And what is that dua`a’?” asked Imam Ahmed. “To be able to see the famed Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal!”

Imam Ahmad (ra) interjected, “I am Ahmad ibn Hanbal!” He then went on to add, “By Allah! I was dragged to your place so that you can have your dua`a’ (prayer) come true.”²

Perhaps this man, just like the Baker, was not some conference speaker, not some widely famed Imam, not some enormous Islamic activist, but someone who was sincere in their relationship with Allah (swt), and so Allah (swt) blessed them with acceptance and the answering of their passing wishes and dua`a’.

Days later, she continued to contemplate her encounter. Subhan’Allah, she kept thinking, everything for a reason. Sometimes, “bad” things happen to “good” people. But sometimes, those “bad” things are truly only outward moments of difficulty in comparison to the good Allah (swt) has in store and is preparing for that person to experience, when the time and moment are right.

As Ibn al-Qayyim rahimahu Allah (may Allah have mercy on him) said, “When Allah tests you, it is never to destroy you. Whenever He removes something from your possession, it is only to empty your hands for an even better gift.”

What is stopping us from working to become of those who are beloved to Allah (swt)?

In the Footsteps of Hajar and Mariam

Taken from Grow Mama Grow.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2011

We are a few days away from celebrating Eid al-Adha. It is a day in which we commemorate Prophet Ibrahim’s sacrifice to Allah (swt). Prophet Ibrahim as well as his family were tested with extremely difficult tribulations. His first wife, Sarah, could not bear children until she had become very old and then had her son, Isaac. Prophet Ibrahim was denounced by his own father, thrown into a blazing fire, left his second wife and only son at that time (Ismael) out in the desert, and also had a revelatory dream about sacrificing his son. One thinks about these hardships and our hardships shrink in comparison. Hajar, who was initially a servant to Sarah ended up marrying Prophet Ibrahim after Sarah’s insistence since Sarah was not able to bear any children at the time. Afterward, Allah instructs Prophet Ibrahim to leave Hajar and baby Ismael in a deserted area with no food or water. Prophet Ibrahim made dua for them by saying,

“O our Lord! I have made some of my offspring to dwell in an uncultivated valley by Your Sacred House (the Kabah at Makkah); in order, O our Lord, that they may stand in prayer, so fill some hearts among men with love towards them, and (O Allah) provide them with fruits so that they may give thanks.” (Qur’an, Surah Ibrahim, verse 37)

I cannot even imagine how difficult it was for Prophet Ibrahim to part with his wife and child, but his faith was so unshakable that Allah declares him to be a nation onto himself. When he left Hajar and Ismael, Hajar followed him and asked, “O Ibrahim! To whom are you leaving us?’ He replied, ‘To Allah.” She said, “I am satisfied to be with Allah.”

Wow. She has no shelter, no money, and a child she must care for. However, her faith was strong enough to find comfort in being left in Allah’s care. After the water in her water-skin was depleted, she started to search for people who may help her. Baby Ismael was beginning to cry out of hunger and thirst. Out of desperation, she began to run between two hills, the Marwa and Safa. She knew that Allah would care for them, but she also knew she had to exhaust all her options.

According to the hadith by Ibn Abbas, Angel Jibreel came and “hit the earth with his heel like this (Ibn ‘Abbas hit the earth with his heel to Illustrate it), and so the water gushed out. Ismael’s mother was astonished and started digging. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “If she had left the water, (flow naturally without her intervention), it would have been flowing on the surface of the earth.” Ismael’s mother started drinking from the water and her milk increased for her child. Afterward, some people of the tribe of Jurhum, while passing through the bottom of the valley, saw some birds, and that astonished them, and they said, “Birds can only be found at a place where there is water.” They sent a messenger who searched the place and found the water, and returned to inform them about it. Then they all went to her and said, “O Ismael’s mother! Will you allow us to dwell with you?”(And thus they stayed there.)

She exerted herself as much as she possibly could and relief came to her in the form of water, which is still flowing today and enjoyed by millions in Mecca and Madina. The parallels of Hajar and Mariam (peace be upon both of them) are remarkable. When Mariam conceived Prophet ‘Isa, she went to a far place. She too had left civilization relying only on the care of Allah (swt). When she was in labor, the contractions were so unbearable that Mariam declared,

“Ah! would that I had died before this! Would that I had been a thing forgotten and out of sight!” (Qur’an, Suraht Mariam, verse 23)

After she had exerted all her efforts, Angel Jibreel declares,

“Grieve not! for your Lord has provided a rivulet beneath you; And shake the trunk of the palm-tree: it will let fall fresh ripe dates upon you. So eat and drink and cool your eye,” (Ibid, 24-26)

Even though Mariam was feeling so much pain and going through this whole process by herself, Allah wanted her to go a little further by shaking the date tree. She, like Hajar, was rewarded with water (as well as dates). These two women are prime examples for us. Sometimes, when we think we are about to suffocate with problems, we just have to dig a little deeper, push a little further, run a bit faster, and we find the mercy of Allah descending upon us.

Today, Muslims from around the world every single day of the year, and especially during the time of Hajj, run between the Safa and Marwa emulating the footsteps of Hajar (may Allah be pleased with her).

Today, millions of expecting moms listen and recite Suraht Mariam (may Allah be pleased with her), and we proudly declare her to be the best woman of all time.

All praise is due to God who gives us beautiful examples of both men and women striving for His cause and seeking only His protection.

Marwa Aly

Marwa Aly is a mother to one lovely toddler and currently serves as a university Muslim chaplain. She occasionally blogs at http://www.marwaaly.com, where this post was originally published.

Planning the Downfall of Others

Planning the downfall of others often results in one’s own downfall sometime in the future. In fact such plans can directly result in their unimaginable success rather than failure. Such opposite effects have been proven countless times in history and in the lives of many of us. Satan wrongly makes us feel that we will serve our cause better if we tear down others or undermine their positive capabilities & achievements. Many people have witnessed unbelievable long term success as a result of someone planning their downfall. This is why we should always look at the positives of every situation that appears negative so that we can maximize our gains through achieving great heights by the Will of the Almighty. We will never achieve in our own lives when we have spent them planning how to bring others down. Let us concentrate on building our own lives and assisting others to build theirs rather than wasting time planning their destruction.

Taken from: https://www.facebook.com/muftimenk

Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise

Taken from Suhaib Webb.

“Why are you majoring in that field?” I asked a sister in college. She sighed, “To be honest, I just want to get married. I don’t really care about what I’m studying right now. I’m just waiting to get hitched so I can be a wife and a mother.”

“It’s awesome that she wants to be a wife and a mother, but why would she put her life on hold?” I wondered. Why would a skilled, passionate young woman create barriers to striving for self-improvement and her ability to be socially transformative when she doesn’t yet have the responsibilities of wifehood or motherhood? Being a wife and a mom are great blessings, but before it actually happens, why exchange tangible opportunities, just waiting for marriage to simply come along—if it came along? I didn’t have to look far to find out.

“I’m already twenty-six,” another sister lamented. “I’m expired. My parents are going crazy. They think I’m never going to get married and they pressure me about it daily. My mom’s friends keep calling her and telling her I’m not getting any younger. She keeps crying over it and says she’ll never be a grandma. It’s not like I don’t want to get married; I’ve been ready since college! I just can’t find the right guy,” she cried.

Why, as a general community, are we not putting the same pressure on women to encourage them to continue to seek Islamic knowledge? Higher education? To make objectives in their lives which will carry over and aid them in their future familial lives, if such is what is meant for them? Perhaps it’s because we’re obsessed with the idea that women need to get married and become mothers and that if they don’t, they have not reached true success.

We all know the honorable and weighty status of wifehood and motherhood in Islam. We all know that marriage completes half your deen¹ and that the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) has told us about the mother, “[…] Paradise is at her feet.”²

But getting married and becoming a mother is not the only way to get into Paradise. And not every grown woman is a wife and/or mother, nor will ever be. Some women will eventually become wives and/or mothers, if Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala(exalted is He) blesses them with such, but for others, Allah (swt) has blessed them with other opportunities.

Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood. This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our first and most important role—to be His SLAVE. As He tells us in Surah Dhaariyat (Chapter of the Winnowing Winds), “And I did not create the jinn and humankind except to worship Me.”³

Worship comes in such a variety of forms. Being a housewife (a.k.a. domestic engineer!) can be a form of worship. Being a stay-at-home-mom can be a form of worship. Being a working wife and mother can be a form of worship. Being an unmarried female student can be a form of worship. Being a divorced female doctor, a female journalist, Islamic scholar, film director, pastry chef, teacher, veterinarian, engineer, personal trainer, lawyer, artist, nurse, Qur’an teacher, psychologist, pharmacist or salon artist can each be a form of worship. Just being an awesome daughter or house-fixer upper can be forms of worship. We can worship Allah (swt) in a variety of ways, as long as we have a sincere intention, and what we do is done within the guidelines He has set for us.

Unfortunately, however, that is not the message our community is sending to single sisters – both those who have never been married, and those who are now divorced. When I speak to many women and ask them about the ways they want to contribute to society and the ways they want to use their time and abilities, a number of them will tell me that they have no idea and that they’re only going through the motions of school or work while they’re waiting for Prince Muslim to come along and with whom they can establish parenthood.

However, Prince Muslim is not coming along quickly or easily for many awesome, eligible Muslim women. And for some, he has come along, and he or the institution of their relationship turned out to be more villainous than harmonious. Single and never married or divorced — very capable and intelligent Muslim women constantly have to deal with the pressure of being asked, “So…when are you getting married? You aren’t getting any younger. It’s harder to have kids when you’re older.”

The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.

Islam gave women scholarship. Our history is filled with women who have dedicated their lives to teaching Islamic sciences. Have you ever heard of Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr? She was a scholar who was born around the year 522. Her father, Sa`d al Khayr, was also a scholar. He held several classes and was “most particular about [his daughters] attending hadith classes, traveling with them extensively and repeatedly to different teachers. He also taught them himself.”⁴ Fatimah studied the works of the great al-Tabarani with the lead narrator of his works in her time.  You know who that lead narrator was? The lead narrator of Fatimah’s time was not named Abu someone (the father of someone, indicating that he was a male). The leading scholar of her time was a woman. Her name was Fatimah al-Juzadniyyah and she is the scholar who men and women alike would study under because in that era, she was the greatest and most knowledgeable in some of the classical texts.⁵ Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr eventually married and moved to Damascus and eventually to Cairo and she continued to teach. Many scholars travelled specifically to her city so they could study under her.⁶

Fatimah was brought up in a family that valued the education and knowledge of a woman to the point that her father was the one who would ensure she studied with scholars from a young age. Before marriage, she was not told to sit around and be inactive in the community out of fear that some men would find an educated woman unattractive or intimidating and would not want to marry her. She was not going through the motions of studying random things in college because she was stalling until she got married. She sought scholarship and Allah (swt) blessed her with a husband who was of her ranking, who understood her qualifications and drive, and who supported her efforts to continue teaching this religion even after marriage. She left a legacy we unfortunately have most likely never heard about because we rarely hear about the over eight thousand female scholars of hadith who are part of our history.⁷

Why do we never hear about Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr and the thousands of female scholars who were like her? I think that one of the reasons—and it’s just a personal theory—that as a community, we are so focused on grooming our women to be wives and mothers that we lose sight of the fact that this is not even our number one role.

Servitude to Allah (swt) is our number one role. We need to use what He has given us, the means that we have at the moment we have, to worship Him in the best of ways.

We call for revival of the Sunnah through encouraging marriage and populating the Ummah—let us follow the sunnah (tradition) the Prophet ﷺ has left for us through his wife, Aisha (may God be pleased with her)!

Who was Aisha? Was she a mother? She was never a mother. She was a scholar. She was versed in medical affairs. She was the commander of an army. She was a leader, an educator and a devout worshipper of Allah (swt). She was not known to be a great cook—even though she was the wife of the final Prophet of God! And where do we see the Prophet ﷺ admonishing her because of that? He loved her and he trained her in scholarship.

Islamic history is filled with examples of women who were wives and mothers, who focused completely on their tasks of being wives and/or mothers, and produced the likes of Imam Ahmed rahimahu allah (may God have mercy on him).⁸ We take those examples as a community and we reiterate the noble status of such incredible women.

But we also have examples of people who were not only wives and not only mothers, but those who were both of those, one of those, or none of those, and still were able to use the passions, talents and skills Allah (swt) blessed them with to worship Him through serving His creation, through calling His creation back to His Deen and leaving legacies for the generations to come. Some of these women were wives and mothers and dedicated their lives to focusing on their families completely and some of them continued to serve the greater society at large. It is possible to balance both; it just needs drive, stamina, support and planning.

Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his Dictionary of women hadith scholars, Al Muhadithaat, “Not one [of the 8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein, or considered being a woman undesirable or inferior to being a man, or considered that, given aptitude and opportunity, she had no duties to the wider society, outside of the domain of family life.”⁹

Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and  when able, they also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to the ummah (community) and society at large. They are loving worshipping Allah (swt) through investing in their abilities and using those for the greater good. Perhaps we can all take from their example.

God, in His Wisdom, has created each one of us differently and in different circumstances. Some recognize this, love any stage they are in, and develop their abilities to the fullest. Let us, too, use the time and abilities God has given us to maximize our worship to Him and work for the betterment of society and humanity as a whole. If wifehood or motherhood comes in the process, then at least we were using all of our ability to worship Him before it came and can continue to use the training and stamina we gained before marriage to worship Him with excellence once it comes along.

If there are parents, families and communities that are pressuring women to get married and have kids: Be grateful Allah (swt) has blessed you with daughters, married or unmarried, mothers or not, as the Prophet ﷺ has said, “Do not be averse to daughters, for they are precious treasures that comfort your heart.”¹⁰ We are putting more pressure on our sisters than they can emotionally and psychologically handle. Let us give them space, let them find themselves and establish their relationships with Allah (swt).

Allah (swt) created us to worship Him. That is our number one role. Now, let us do our part and figure out how best we can fulfill the purpose for which we’ve been created.

[Footnotes:]

1. Al Bayhaqi [↩]
2. Al-Nasaa’i [↩]
3. Qur’an, 51:56 [↩]
4. Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 93. Print. [↩]
5. Ibid [↩]
6. Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. 95. Print. [↩]
7. Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007). Print. [↩]
8. The Code of Scholars, Muhammad Alshareef. EmanRush, 2008. CD [↩]
9. Nadwi, Mohammad Akram, Al Muhadithaat, Interface Publications, (2007): pg. XV. Print. [↩]
10. Al Haythami, Majma al zawaid, vii. 286, as cited in Al Muhadithaat. [↩]

Strange Realisation

Except for the part where I woke up with an emotional hangover, I don’t have much memory of last Saturday.

Oh and Mr. Silent and I went shopping for games. That was the pretext to get me out of the house and “work out”. We ended up buying a snake cube puzzle and a miniature jenga set. Of course we didn’t play jenga. Yeah right. Between my attention deficit disorder and his disk full of Spongebob episodes, jenga has no pull, so to speak. We each fiddled with the blocks a bit, tried out the domino effect and then I packed it away neatly in its box. The snake cube puzzle was a bigger hit. There were many frustrating attempts. Each time I put it away for a break, Mr. S would gleefully ask if I’d given up.

“Of course not! I’m just taking a break. This thing doesn’t have to be solved within a few minutes y’know. It can take hours or days..”

“Or weeks or months?”

Grr.

By Sunday I was too frustrated with the puzzle and decided to look it up online. Not knowing what it was called, I had to look up “Chinese wooden puzzle” and such and go through so many different puzzles before finally locating a video of something called a snake cube puzzle.

Aha! That solved it.

Now that’s packed away neatly too.

Back to twiddling my thumbs.

Yesterday (Sunday) is a little more clear in my mind. Idli for breakfast, a coupon meal for lunch (at 4.30 p.m.) and home made Sindhi buriyani for dinner. And of course – solving the snake cube puzzle.

The highlight of my day was… wait for it… getting a hair cut! Yay!

It felt nice to have someone pamper my hair. I could have dozed off in the chair if not for the hair dresser’s chit chat and the hot hot air from the hair dryer forcing me to stay alert. She wasn’t too impressed with the brittle state of my precious locks, though.

“Your hair!!!” she exclaimed as soon as she saw it.

Renewed intention to take good care of my hair, also reinforced with a lecture from Mr. S on nutrition and yada yada yada. Let’s see how far that goes.

Why is argan oil so expensive???

In other news, the uncanny thoughts about the after life still linger. I keep thinking about my death, how and when I’m going to die, my journey afterwards, what I’ll say to my current self from the other side if the two versions could converse, etc. I also wonder about everyone around me. Will all these women in their ultra-short shorts eventually accept Islam? What will happen to that white dude who was talking on the phone close to Sultan Mosque? What will happen to the woman in front of me in the bus? What will happen to the old men and women down my block?

In some ways I feel like I’ve already died.

The “me” that I knew all my life seems to have disappeared. I don’t remember what it feels like to be confident, self-assured, and hopeful of the future. I don’t remember how I managed to get through the difficult periods in life before without getting bogged down by pessimism. How awesome to have so much hope and courage and face everything so easily.

Where is that resilience?

I don’t remember how it felt to turn around from a dismal A/L performance and make up for it by winning a world prize. I don’t remember what it feels like to fight against the odds, persevere, work hard, visualise my goals and win.

All I know to feel right now is pessimism, weakness, fear, stress, worry and a feeling of uselessness.

I feel like I can be easily manipulated by “normal” people who can think, plan and act while I just give in and let them do whatever they want with me.

I’ve changed so much from the thick-skinned and head-strong girl I used to be. Forget being head-strong, I’m not even as confident as a “normal” person would be.

I wonder if everyone around me realises it though – or whether they’ll treat me according to the way I used to be.

That would just make things worse for me.

I don’t know how I’d cope.

I’m not that resilient anymore.

“…Rabbana wa la thuhammilna ma la thaqathalana bihi…“
(2:286)